The Great Renaming

Image courtesy of Microsoft Copilot

Our once-was, soon-to-be-again President of this great land has proffered the idea that the Gulf of Mexico should be renamed the “Gulf of America.” In fairness, this would not be the first time the name of a prominent body of water has been disputed (e.g. the Persian/Arabian Gulf and the Sea of Japan/East Sea). One could argue that the name “Gulf of America” is more inclusive of the entire hemisphere than “Gulf of Mexico,” although I don’t think that’s what he had in mind.

Yet this proposal, at the dawn of yet another “America First” era, raises the question of what other geographic names need to be changed?

• Clearly, the next logical place to be renamed is New Mexico. But to what? East Arizona? South Colorado? New Oppenheimer?
• On that note, we should also rename New Jersey, New Hampshire, and New York since they too pay homage to foreign places.
  • And so many cities and towns in the U.S. would also fit that criteria: Richmond, Memphis, Bethlehem, Athens, Florence, Cambridge, Oxford, Durham, Ithaca, Melbourne, Canton (egad, you can’t mix football and China!)… the list goes on and on.
    • But I would imagine Moscow, Idaho would be ok. (Get it?)
• The U.S. has several states named after foreign monarchs and nobles: Maryland, Virginia, Georgia, Louisiana, both Carolinas, even Delaware. What were our beloved Founding Fathers thinking in letting those colonies keep their names?
  • Massachusetts and Connecticut kept it real by adopting Native American names. (Or is that not the kind of native we’re going for?)
    • The name of Canada, our prospective 51st state, is also safe is this regard. But British Columbia? Wrong on two counts.
• Likewise, Columbus, Ohio is also named after the Italian who was paid by Spain and got lost on the way to India. If he was on the Apprentice, he would have gotten fired on the first episode.
• Louisville, Kentucky? Off with its head!
• Homer, Alaska? Sing your epics someplace else.
• Charlotte, North Carolina? Take a bridgerton to nowhere.
• Cincinnati has to go too, right? It’s named after a Roman consul. Trick question! It’s also a reference to George Washington and the Continental Army. Can’t get more ‘merican than that! (Lots of minefields as we go down this road…)
• Another caveat: Places with the word “saint” in the name, like San Diego and St. Louis, should be spared. Can’t make America great again by cancelling the canonized.
  • St. Petersburg is named after both a Russian city and a saint, so its safe on both criteria.
• While we’re at it, let’s rename Kansas City, Missouri to avoid all the confusion. And all state capitals should be moved to the biggest cities in each state. Kids these days shouldn’t have to remember the names of otherwise irrelevant places like Albany, Lansing, or Carson City.
• Speaking of avoiding confusion, after we buy Greenland, we can then swap its name with Iceland. That’s a correction that’s been needed for centuries.
• And Panama, once we invade that country (for a second time), can be re-named to a better Van Halen song. Maybe “Runnin’ with the Devil” or “Dreams“?

Of course, there are two remarkable ironies in all of this. The first is that America itself is named after a foreigner (and not a particularly famous one). The second is that the true “Gulf of America” is the one between its ideals and its realities.

Regardless, if the list above is any indication, there is a lot of work to do to accomplish the Great Renaming. A second term may not be enough…

I cannot take full credit for this post. I was ably assisted by my children in brainstorming all the wonderful renaming possibilities.